


State of Grace

by kira_khaleesi



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, HEA Guaranteed, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Angst, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:41:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23174839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kira_khaleesi/pseuds/kira_khaleesi
Summary: “Rey claims she doesn't like cuddling. Ben is nothing but determined to prove her wrong.”
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 44
Kudos: 232
Collections: Kira's Songfics, Red, Reylo Prompt Fills (@reylo_prompts)





	State of Grace

**Author's Note:**

> this admittedly got more introspective (and angstier??) than I was planning, and than the prompt lets on.  
> definitely got out of hand, sorry in advance.
> 
> only rated Mature because of language.
> 
> hope you enjoy.

_And I never saw you coming,  
And I’ll never be the same.  
This is a state of grace,  
This is the worthwhile fight.  
Love is a ruthless game, unless you play it good and right. _

Given his own history with emotional volatility and people who mean well pushing too hard, Ben tends to leave Rey to her own devices and let her address things when she is ready to. Sometimes he sits back and wonders how on Earth he ever convinced her - this vibrant ray of sunlight that warms everybody around her - that he, Ben Solo, was a good fit to be her boyfriend. 

As conceited as it sounds, he has himself to thank for most of his success with Rey. As a child, a teen, a young adult - always, if he’s being honest - Ben has been emotional, and guarded. Surrounded by those with big personalities and even bigger ambitions, Ben never fit in. It took years to finally sit down with his parents and talk. To tell them that he has thoughts and ideas and feelings, it just takes him a minute to articulate it the right way, and when pressed - oh how he was pressed by them - the words come out wrong, twisted, hostile. 

It was painful, learning and adjusting, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world because that experience prepared him for Rey. 

She is vibrant, yes. Bright and energetic and captivating outwardly. 

There are moments, small, hidden ones - ones Ben is privy to more than anyone else - where Rey is deeply sad. As she slowly let him into her life, he began to understand that they were very much the same, but she was better at pretending. She acts friendly and fun to appease those around her, in a way that Ben never perfected. 

And so, Ben approaches Rey and her inner emotional turmoil with care, letting her express things when she is comfortable and at her own speed. He respects the fences she puts up and hoping that eventually he’ll be allowed inside.

So far, it’s worked fairly well. 

Early on, he had had her over to his apartment and suggested that they cook something together for dinner. A frown had flashed across her face, wiped away so quickly he almost missed it, before she suggested that they order take-out instead. Ben had smiled, and agreed, making a mental note to keep track of her eating habits.

When he goes to Thursday Trivia Night with his friends, he makes it clear that she is invited but does not push back when she says she has plans. 

Then, after two months of dating, when Rey asked him if she could come along, Ben gave her the widest grin as he said of course. 

The first time they had sex, Rey had cleaned herself up and then retraced their steps across the apartment to pick up her clothes. Fighting the urge to panic or make a joke - or make a joke out of panic, damn those Solo genes - Ben had calmly expressed that she was welcome to stay the night. With a far off look in her eyes, Rey had mumbled that she had an early shift. 

Ben drove her home. 

Now, a few days away from having been dating for five months, Rey stays over a couple nights a week. He has met a couple of her friends - Finn, Poe, and Jannah - and she comes to every other Trivia Night with Rose & Hux. 

He doesn’t remark that she always keeps her toothbrush and change of clothes in her bag.

Ben keeps his curiosity about her sleeping curled in on herself in the farthest corner of his mattress to himself.

Rey claims that she is a bad cook, and that she sits out of meal prep out of a wish to not interfere with his “sexy kitchen skills”.

Aside from the one time he made a comment in passing about having never been inside her apartment - “yours is nicer”, she had rebutted - he has never brought it up again. 

But having just dropped her off at work - his uncle Chewie’s auto repair shop, the place where they met - Ben thinks there might be one boundary he does need to push. Not aggressively, or without tact, but gently, with a conversation.

Another thing Ben learned as an adult trying to heal fractured familial ties is to be a self-advocate. After a lifetime of loneliness and feeling misunderstood, now, having finally found someone that understands him and listens to him, who he loves to be around, he wants to pull her close. 

He yearns to hold her hand as they peruse bookstore shelves on the weekend, to curl himself around her at night like a blanket. Ben’s fingers itch to braid her hair when they watch tv together, and to kiss her goodbye before she jumps out of the car to get to her shift. 

But Rey doesn’t want those things.“I don’t like cuddling” she had said with a shrug, and he had accepted it. Four months later, Ben feels like there is a hole inside him, like he is dying from not being able to hold her the way that he wants to. 

So, during the breaks he takes from his writing, Ben plans. He plans on how to make the environment as comfortable as possible and broach the subject in a direct but non-confrontational manner. Plans for the ways that he can set himself up for success.

Time passes slowly, as it always does when you are waiting for something, but eventually, here they are. 

Standing side by side, washing the dishes after dinner.

Ben turns the tap off. 

“Rey.”

“Mhmm.”

“Do you remember telling me that you don’t like cuddling?”

Her hands freeze where they were drying a plate, her “yes” laced with caution.

“Well, I think...I mean, I do like to cuddle. And I would like to, with you.” As she sets the plate down, he takes the dishrag from her hands to dry his own. 

Rey is quiet. 

“I was hoping,” Ben continues, “I was hoping that we could find a middle-ground, where we can cuddle or snuggle without you feeling smothered.”

Unresponsive, Rey stares at her hands. Ben begins to stack the dishes, hoping he can give her enough time to say what she wants to say on the subject.

Once all the evidence of dinner has been carefully put back in its cabinets and drawers, Rey finally speaks.

“Why do you want to cuddle?”

 _Why don’t you?_ He has to stop himself from retorting. 

“To be close to you, it’s a type of intimacy.”

She frowns. “But we fuck all the time, that’s pretty intimate.”

Now it’s Ben’s turn to frown. “That’s not the same, Rey.”

“Why isn’t it the same?”

He opens his mouth, and then shuts it again. _Why isn’t it the same?_. 

“I...that’s a good question Rey.”

Her eyebrows raise, to which Ben gives her a soft smile. 

“Give me a minute to organize my thoughts.” Ben works his jaw and runs a hand through his hair, making his way to sit on the couch. Rey turns on the kettle and prepares her post-dinner cup of tea. 

By the time she joins him - on the other side of the sofa, far enough from him that another person could fit between him - Ben is ready to talk.

“Cuddling is a different type of intimacy than sex, and I’m not sure how else to explain it in a way that you can’t argue with. But how I see it is that...people have one-night-stands, they hook up with strangers, but you don’t see a lot of people meeting up to hold hands. People don’t just let anyone hold their hand.”

“I don’t let anyone hold my hand.” Rey scoffs.

“But I wish you’d let me.” 

Though it comes out a little more desperate, a little more pained than he had hoped for, by the way Rey sets her mug down on a coaster and leans back against the pillow, it seems he has gotten Rey’s attention.

Rey swallows. 

“So...you want to hold my hand?”

“Yes.” 

“Um...ok. When?”

Ben is confused by her question - ‘when do people hold hands?’ seems like something a handless alien who’d never been to Earth and seen people do it would ask - but is too excited by the apparent progress of this conversation to take any note of it. 

“Whenever you want - whenever you are comfortable.”

Rey shifts in her seat.

“So...like, now?”

Ben smiles, and reaches his hand out to her. “Sure.”

Carefully wiping her palm on her jeans, Rey slides her hand - calloused from years of hands on work - into his soft one. It is wonderful. 

Ten seconds later, Rey starts fidgeting. “Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you gonna turn the tv on or…”

“Oh, right.”

They watch an hour of _Brooklyn Nine Nine_ reruns and Ben doesn’t recall a single minute of it; too distracted by the pure joy he feels at holding Rey’s hand. 

****

Two weeks later, they are walking through the park on a gorgeous May afternoon, when Rey slips her hand into Ben’s and intertwines their fingers. Gradually, he has been finding ways to hold her hands more, even just for a couple minutes. This is the first time she has ever initiated it. Ben squeezes her hand, and grins. 

Rey slows her steps. “What?” 

“You’re holding my hand.”

Her face falls and she swallows. “Oh...sorry, I didn’t think - you do it all the time, and I just thought-”

“-Rey,” gently gripping her hand as she tries to pull it out of his, “Rey. It’s not bad, I’m happy.”

As her shoulders sag, he pulls her into his chest and wraps his arms around her. 

She mumbles an incoherent sound into his sweater. 

“I know you were resistant to the idea, so I’m glad you came around.” Ben presses a soft kiss into her hair, and she relaxes further into his hold.

“This is nice.” Rey whispers, as her arms come up around his waist. 

He smiles.

“Is this...cuddling?” The trepidation in her voice is audible, even through the muffling of his sweater.

“Yes.” He nuzzles his nose into her hair.

“I...um…” Rey whispers into his chest, “well, I wouldn’t be opposed to, um...well. This, more of this.” 

Ben loosens his hold on her so he can stand back and meet her gaze as he smiles.

****

Steadily, Ben pulls Rey in from where she used to orbit, just outside of him. He places her feet on his lap while they watch tv; greets her with a hug when he picks her up from work; and most importantly, convinces her of the benefits of sleeping closer together. 

“So what happens if I roll away from you in the night?” She mumbles sleepily against his chest, tracing patterns into his sleep shirt with her hand.

“Then you roll away from me, it’s not a big deal.” 

Something pokes at the back of Ben’s mind, something he’s too tired to think about, telling him to pay attention to the ridiculous questions she asks - a voice telling him that it’s important but he can’t put his finger on why.

By the time Rey speaks again, Ben is nearly asleep. Her whisper is so soft he wonders if she thinks he is asleep.

“I don’t want to suffocate you...or bother you by getting all up in your space.”

Fumbling, he reaches his hand to meet hers where it rests on his chest. 

“It’s not a bother, I want you all up in my space.”

****

Six weeks later, work takes him out of town for a couple days. He has to put an extra blanket on the Air BnB bed - such a short time and he has already grown used to Rey attaching herself to his back at night, her breath coming out in little puffs between his shoulder blades.

The trip itself and the business he needs to attend to go well - exceedingly well, in fact - but he can’t help but be worried when Rey leaves all of his message unanswered. 

The first day, he chalks it up to her schedule. Rey will - and does - run herself ragged if there is nobody checking in on her. 

The second day, he calls her a couple more times than he usually would. Still no answer.  
By the end of the day, when his meetings are over, he texts Finn, who responds that he also has not heard from Rey and will drop by her place.

When his phone rings, Ben is worried. 

“Finn?”

“Hey Ben.”

“Is she okay?”

Finn exhales loudly before answering. “Yes and no.”

“What does that mean Finn?”

“It means that she isn’t in danger, or sick, and nothing bad happened to make her not answer her phone.”

“Ok...so-”

“-So you should just talk to her when you get back.”

“What? That’s it?”

“Yeah man, I’m sorry, I really don’t think it’s my place to get in your guys’ business.”

Ben pinches his nose, trying to calm his breathing. “Ok...I...ok. Thank you for going to check on her.”

“No problem. Travel safe.”

“Yeah.”

He hangs up. 

****

Rey is waiting for him outside the door to his apartment when he arrives. Her hair has been forced into some approximation of a half-hazard bun and mismatched socks peek out of her hard bottomed slippers. She looks like she hasn’t slept in a week. 

Wordlessly, he unlocks the door and ushers her inside, dumping his suitcase on the floor. Sighing, he takes off his jacket, hangs it up, and then turns to face Rey. 

She is leaning against his kitchen counter, arms wrapped around her waist and gaze fixed on the floor. 

“Did you eat dinner? I’ve got some frozen leftovers we can nuke and-”

Ben stops talking when he realizes that Rey is crying quietly. He steps forward only to halt in his tracks when she jerks away from him, walking away so that the kitchen island is placed between them. 

Rey hastily wipes at her face and hiccups. 

“Rey, what- are you alright?”

“No.” 

“Is it something I did?”

And suddenly, Rey is angry. Angrier than he has ever seen her before.

“Yes, Ben, it’s something you- it’s goddamn _everything_ that you do. Asking me if I ate dinner, taking me to the grocery store, driving me to work, holding my hand, calling me when you’re out of town to check in, it’s all just so much and I can’t keep up and I thought I could do this and just keep you I dunno outside myself and yet somehow you have dug your way in and I don’t know how it happened and I’m just so,” Rey exhales. “I’m so scared.”

Ben watches as Rey tries to steady her breathing, doing his best to parse everything she just word-vomited at him in anger.

He figures placation is the best approach, given her tone.

“Rey, those things - everything you just said - I do those things because I care about you. If I’m overstepping or making you uncomfortable, that was not my intention. If you’re unhappy or you don’t like-”

“-I’m not unhappy.”

In other circumstances, Ben might laugh as someone who looks as despondent as Rey harshly exclaiming that they are unhappy.

“Ok.” Ben waits for her to finish her thought.

“I’m...I- Ben the problem is not that I am unhappy. I think it’s...the opposite, actually.” She wrings her hands, shifting her weight from side to side. 

He frowns. “The reason you are angry at me is because you are happy?”

“I’m not angry at you.” Rey snaps, but her face softens when she meets his gaze. “I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at me.”

Ben is silent, but raises his eyebrows. 

Rey swallows. “Ben do you remember when you asked if you could hold my hand?”

He nods. 

“And how I didn’t understand how it was a different type of intimacy than sex? Well, now I understand and I wish that I could un-understand it because god you were right, there is something completely different about being held and,” Rey hiccups as more tears pour down her face, “I never knew because nobody had ever held me before and now that you have I never want it to stop and I just can’t-”

When Rey folds in on herself, sobbing, Ben rounds the kitchen island to pull her into his arms, taking this moment to reflect on everything she just said. 

Kissing her hair, he whispers “Rey. Nobody is asking you to stop, I don’t want to stop holding you.”

“You will, though. Eventually, you’ll leave. Everyone does.”

“What do you mean, everyone?”

“Everyone. I had to find a new place when Finn moved in with Poe - and they don’t do it on purpose but I can’t hang out as much anymore because they’re always doing couple stuff; the girls from my program in college who promised we’d stay in touch but then never did; Maz, the lady I lived with when I was eight, she had to move away to be with family - her _real_ family; my parents...everyone leaves me behind. You will too.”

Ben is reeling, trying to make sense of everything Rey has said so far and piece it together with what he knows about her. Memories that he had filed away as odd for an incomprehensible reason play in his mind.

_  
“I don’t let anyone hold my hand.” Rey scoffs._

_“I don’t want to suffocate you...or bother you by getting all up in your space.”_

_“Is this...cuddling?”_

Suddenly, he sees her keeping her overnight clothes packed in her bag; her aversion to physical touch; her unwillingness to impose; and the time she asked him about when exactly he would like to hold her hand. 

“Rey, what happened to your parents?”

“They left me at a gas station when I was five.”

Ben tightens his hold on her. 

“Rey, I’m sorry for all that has happened to you. I’m sorry that you haven’t been given the love that you deserve. But I promise, I am not going to leave you.”

“You can’t know that, Ben.”

“But I do.” He stands back to cup her face in his hands. “I do.”

Gently thumbing away the tear tracks on her cheeks, watching as a tentative smile blossoms across her face.

Later, after they’ve eaten dinner and Ben has unpacked his suitcase, they lie in bed. Rey is sprawled across his torso, their legs tangled together under the sheets and Ben frees her hair from its messy bun. As Ben untangles his hair, slowly and with great care, Rey tells him about her childhood. 

She tells him about waiting for parents that would never come back. About being on her best behaviour to impress a couple that might adopt her. About being told, at thirteen, that she will likely never be adopted because nobody wants teenagers. 

Rey explains that she had honestly thought she would hate cuddling because from ages nine to eighteen - from when she left Maz’s house to when she aged out - the only touch she had known was violent. 

Ben wipes away Rey’s tears, and his own, when she painstakingly recounts her anxieties about being too clingy, especially when she had realized that she would attach herself to him at all times if she could. That she has trouble sleeping when she isn’t wrapped around him.

He holds her close to his chest when she whispers that she is afraid of getting everything wrong, of messing things up between them. How her early life had taught her that she was unworthy of love, and she had been so certain until he had showed up and surprised her in the best way. 

They lie there together late into the night and well in the early hours of the morning, talking about everything and nothing. Rey laughs when he tells her he thinks it’s adorable when she drools on his shirt, and Ben blushes when she compliments his ears. 

After Rey’s eyes have slid shut and her breathing has slowed, Ben studies the freckles on her nose and wonders how long it will take for her to believe that he loves her. 

As she mumbles in her sleep and nuzzles her head against his chest, he realizes it doesn’t matter. He would happily spend the rest of his life proving it to her.

**Author's Note:**

> state of grace is a taylor swift song yes I listened exclusively to Red while writing this


End file.
